Category Archives: Humor

The New Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. “Fetch the Bible,” he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

“Now find Psalm 3, “he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the
floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.

The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, “Can he do regular dog tricks, too?”

“I haven’t tried yet,” the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. “HEEL!” the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor’s forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, “Good Lord! He’s Pentecostal!”

Spare Time

What happens when you have:

1) nothing to do

2) a sharp knife

3) a large lime

4) a patient cat

5) too much tequila

6) and it’s football season?











Good Memories

Good Memories…

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to
get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can’t remember getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of
a pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a
pager was the school PA system..

We all took gym, not PE…and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top Ked’s or Converse All Stars (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened a lot because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option…even for stupid kids! I guess PE
must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the
halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How
much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in
detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must
have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can’t understand it. Schools didn’t offer 14 year olds an abortion or
condoms (we wouldn’t have known what either was anyway) but they did
give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting
the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation,
Nintendo, X-Box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the
denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day
about a mile down the road to some guy’s vacant 20, built forts out of
branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to
be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us
play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up
a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah…and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent
bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it’s a
trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of
antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either, because if we did, we
got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too, and then we got butt
spanked again when we got home

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked
down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough…it wasn’t so that they
could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car
with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure
that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn’t even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an
automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.

How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren’t the only psychos. I recall Bucky Finsky from next door coming over and doing his stupid tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him a few times for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck!

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they
were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known
that we all needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even
notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did we survive?

How To Medicate Cats

How to medicate cats

Load pill in .357 MAX case ahead of light charge of Red Dot.
Tape over front sight so it will not scratch kitty’s gullet.
Insert muzzle a half a foot down kitty’s throat.
Pull trigger…

If the above does not succeed the first time, contact cement/super-glue
pill to nose of Hornady 180 gr. XTP, and try “once more … with FEELING
this time!”

Giving a Cat a Pill:

Lay the cat on your left arm like you would hold a baby. Gentle press open its mouth with thumb and first finger of the right hand. Put the pill in and let the cat close its mouth.

Pick up the pill from the ground and fetch the cat from behind the sofa. Repeat the first three steps.

Retrieve the cat from the bedroom, and throw away the spoilt pill. Take a new pill out of the box and place the cat on your arm again, holding its paws with the left hand. Force open the lower jaw, insert the pill deep into the cats’ mouth. Close the cats mouth and slowly count to ten.

Fetch the pill out of the goldfish bowl and the cat from the wardrobe. Call your husband in from the garden. Kneel on the floor and wedge the cat between your legs. Hold on to the front paws. Ignore the cat making noises. Instruct your husband to hold the cats mouth and push a wooden ruler down its neck. Let the pill roll down the ruler and rub the cats’ neck.

Pluck the cat from the the curtains. Take a new pill out of the box. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Wrap the cat in a large towel. Drape the pill into the end of a straw. Instruct your husband to hold the cat so that only its head protrudes from the inside of his elbow. Lever the mouth open with a biro and blow the pill down its throat.

Check the documentation to make sure that the pill is harmless to humans. Drink a glass of water to get rid of the taste. Patch up your husbands arm and remove the blood from the carpet with soap and water. Fetch the cat out of the neighbors’ garden shed. Take a new pill.
Put the cat into the closet and close the door over its neck, so only the head is showing. Lever the mouth open with a teaspoon. Shoot the pill inside with a rubber band.

Get the screwdriver from the garage and hang the door back on its hinges.
Put cold compresses on your face and check the date of your last tetanus shot. Throw away your bloody T-shirt and fetch a new one from the bedroom. Have the fire department bring the cat out of the tree on the other side of the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into his fence while avoiding the cat.

Take the last pill out of the box. Tie the cats four paws together with the clothes line. Tie them to the legs of the table. Put on heavy duty protective gloves and pry open the cats mouth with a crowbar. Stuff the pill in and follow it with a large piece of raw filet steak. Hold the cats head upright and pour water down its throat to wash down the pill.

Have your husband drive you to the ER. Sit still while the doctor stitches up your finger and arm and removes the pill from your right eye. Drive by the furniture store on the way home and order a new table.

Shoot the cat and buy a dog.


I include this for the laugh factor. Reincarnation is one of the stupidest ideas to come down the pike. Still, this might strike a chord with your spouse…. Wink

This message is for the ladies.
But if you guys want to read it, we’ll let you.

Yup…gonna be a bear

In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.

When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

A Sixgun For Santa


A Sixgun For Santa
by TL in Oregon

‘Twas some weeks before Christmas
And I’d just settled down
When I heard a strange noise
And arose with a frown

I looked out from my window
And what did I see
But a portly old man
Gazing right back at me

He had a white beard
And was dressed in red felt
A .44 N-frame
Hung from his belt

He said “Howdy there partner,
Can you give me a hand?
Old Buck here went lame
And I had to land.”

So I looked a bit closer
And saw reins trailing back
That led to a stallion
All sweaty and black

The old man had noticed
My quizzical look
So he said to me
“This ain’t quite by the book.

“You see, none of them reindeer
are comfy to straddle.
They’re too low to the ground
And won’t take a saddle

When I’m travelin’ light
And I don’t want my sleigh
Then it’s just me and Buck
It works better that way.”

So I came on downstairs
To give him assistance
Then both of us heard
Some shouts in the distance

“Come back here you thief!”
The voice seemed to say
It seemed to get louder
Then faded away

“He’s as drunk as a skunk!”
The old man then said
“As dense as they come
And out of his head”

But then the old man
Just chuckled and grinned
And said “He knows just enough
To know he’s been skinned!”

Again I was puzzled
And my look told him so
So he said “Here’s the story-
It starts not long ago”

“His name’s Wes Dakota
and he’s ugly as sin
unkempt and all dirty
and reeking of gin”

“When I wasn’t lookin’
He hit on the missus
Trying to hug her
And give her wet kisses

“He went in the workshop
And riled up the elves
Busting up toys
And knocking down shelves

“Stampeded the reindeer
and drank all my liquor
Shot up my ammo
And now here’s the kicker

“He got hold of the list
Of who’s good and who’s bad
And darned if it wasn’t the
Only one that I had

“So I don’t really know
who’s been naughty or nice
This year it’ll just be
a roll of the dice.”

I could tell it upset him
This tale of his trouble
If this guy wasn’t Santa
It must be his double

So I asked him then
“Is he chasin’ you?
And if’n he is,
Just what did you do?”

“Well”, he replied
I just evened the score
I got him but good
Then I got him some more

“See, this drunk had a Colt-
a hogleg supreme
Full coverage engraving
And ivories that gleam

“Longhorn steer carving
with rubies for eyes
Fully tooled rig
Stuffed with .45’s

“I traded him for it,
God bless his soul
Gave him two packs of smokes
And a big lump of coal

“He can handle his liquor,
or so he does boast
But when it comes to gun-tradin’
He’s as dumb as a post

The old man checked his watch
Said he was runnin’ behind
He swung onto Buck’s back
And the horse didn’t mind

The lameness was gone
He was ready to go
As he reined Buck around
It had started to snow

I expressed my concern
‘bout this drunken gent
“What if he comes ‘round
and asks where ya’ went?”

“Don’t you worry none”,
The old man said to me
“Wes was so drunk
that he couldn’t see”

“He’s half in the bag
three sheets to the wind
‘Sides I used an alias!”
The old man just grinned

“He’s crossed up with so many others
you see,
He won’t really know
That the culprit was me!”

He put spurs to his mount
And as he rode away laughin’
I could swear that I heard him say
“Wes thinks I’m Taffin!”


Happy Holidays Everyone!


The Marine

Dear Ma & Pa,

Am Well. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No Hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically Nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not that bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on the trimmings, like fruit, juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon, when they feed you again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. The don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting back at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is to lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail.

A Little Church Humor

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”


A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”


After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”


A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service: “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.” How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”


A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.

“I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said. “But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot.


The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’

It worked.”


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”



Thoughts On Children

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing home one day.