How to medicate cats
Load pill in .357 MAX case ahead of light charge of Red Dot.
Tape over front sight so it will not scratch kitty's gullet.
Insert muzzle a half a foot down kitty's throat.
Pull trigger...
If the above does not succeed the first time, contact cement/super-glue
pill to nose of Hornady 180 gr. XTP, and try "once more ... with
FEELING
this time!"
Giving a Cat a Pill:
Lay the cat on your left arm like you would hold a baby. Gentle press open
its mouth with thumb and first finger of the right hand. Put the pill in
and let the cat close its mouth.
Pick up the pill from the ground and fetch the cat from behind the sofa.
Repeat the first three steps.
Retrieve the cat from the bedroom, and throw away the spoilt pill. Take a
new pill out of the box and place the cat on your arm again, holding its
paws with the left hand. Force open the lower jaw, insert the pill deep
into the cats' mouth. Close the cats mouth and slowly count to ten.
Fetch the pill out of the goldfish bowl and the cat from the wardrobe.
Call your husband in from the garden. Kneel on the floor and wedge the cat
between your legs. Hold on to the front paws. Ignore the cat making
noises. Instruct your husband to hold the cats mouth and push a wooden
ruler down its neck. Let the pill roll down the ruler and rub the cats'
neck.
Pluck the cat from the the curtains. Take a new pill out of the box. Make
a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Wrap the cat in a large
towel. Drape the pill into the end of a straw. Instruct your husband to
hold the cat so that only its head protrudes from the inside of his elbow.
Lever the mouth open with a biro and blow the pill down its throat.
Check the documentation to make sure that the pill is harmless to humans.
Drink a glass of water to get rid of the taste. Patch up your husbands arm
and remove the blood from the carpet with soap and water. Fetch the cat
out of the neighbors' garden shed. Take a new pill.
Put the cat into the closet and close the door over its neck, so only the
head is showing. Lever the mouth open with a teaspoon. Shoot the pill
inside with a rubber band.
Get the screwdriver from the garage and hang the door back on its hinges.
Put cold compresses on your face and check the date of your last tetanus
shot. Throw away your bloody T-shirt and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
Have the fire department bring the cat out of the tree on the other side
of the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into his fence while
avoiding the cat.
Take the last pill out of the box. Tie the cats four paws together with
the clothes line. Tie them to the legs of the table. Put on heavy duty
protective gloves and pry open the cats mouth with a crowbar. Stuff the
pill in and follow it with a large piece of raw filet steak. Hold the cats
head upright and pour water down its throat to wash down the pill.
Have your husband drive you to the ER. Sit still while the doctor stitches
up your finger and arm and removes the pill from your right eye. Drive by
the furniture store on the way home and order a new table.
Shoot the cat and buy a dog.
